http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8bUtbODV-Q

A: the teacher of her class

B: Vice principal

X: My daughter

Y: Her classmate

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17 March 2009

Dear Ms. A and Mr. Vice-Principal B,

I’m writing this letter to express my concern about a recent incident happened between my daughter X and her classmate Y.

After today’s school, when X came back home, I found her crying in her room alone. I asked her what happened, and she told me that Ms. A talked to her and sent her to Mr. B because yesterday she told Y: “do not follow Tracy.” She explained that she understood she was not supposed to play with Y these days, and that she said the sentence only because she was sitting close to Tracy.

X told me Ms. A mentioned the word “bully” and wanted to send her to Mr. B to discipline her (and fortunately Mr. B was not in the office).

I have been paying attention to the relationship between X and Y for a while now. I understand they are not supposed to play with each other to avoid possible issues between them. I told X that she should not request Y to be away from Tracy (or anyone else in school for that matter), even if her intention was to keep the “no-playing together” rule between Y and her.

I do, however, believe that the word “bully” is a bit too strong for X. She is a very sensitive girl; while sometimes she could be strong-minded, she never meant to threaten other people. We have been very strict with her, and whenever there is a problem between her and her friends, we start with asking her what she did wrong. Perhaps as a result, she would be easily scared and fail to explain clearly what had happened. I guess the decision of sending her to the principal have likely put unnecessary mental burden for this 7-year-old.

The way I interpret the incident between Y and her is that it happens all the time between young girls. It is through these very conflicts, they grow up and mature.  If I were Y’s mom, I would not have reported these to the school and would instead talk to my daughter and use the opportunity to teach her how to deal with the situation. I remember X crying at home a while ago saying that one of her friends said something like: “I am not your friend.” I told her sometimes friendship is not bi-directional, and suggested to her that next time she could shrug it off.

I sincerely appreciate Ms. A’ attention to this matter, your approach is very similar to ours; and we highly value your judgment to help X to form the right view about friendship and relationships. I hope you can be a bridge to communicate between Y’s mom and us, so the issues between kids remain theirs. What I suggest is that maybe the grown-ups can interfere less about the girly issues and take a more relaxed posture when this happens again. Of course, I’ll do my best to let X know that “if you truly love something, set it free.”

Sincerely yours,